Sean Combs once said, "my mind is always racing, and always going and always working, and it's a gift and a curse". Since I was a young girl, my thoughts never seemed to "turn off". I was constantly on alert, never able to sit still for too long, and always felt the need to be doing something productive. I just needed to be on the go. I took it as a positive trait to have, however, now that I am getting older, I don't think I can keep up with my constant thoughts anymore. I'm tired.
I realized this more so last week. To be honest, I fell into a bit of a depression. Many things contributed to it, but it mostly had to do with a mistake I thought I made at work. I hyper-fixated on it to death for the entire week. My mind was racing with so many intrusive and catastrophizing thoughts of how stupid I was, getting fired, letting my husband down, and simply not being good enough. I cried a ton and barely ate because of how my body was reacting to my thoughts.
Last Friday afternoon, I decided to talk about it with my manager, and with sweaty palms and a shakey voice, I spoke my truth. She told me that I was fine and that everything was OK, I didn't make a mistake! I seemingly got myself worked up for 5 days, just to be told that I did not do anything wrong. The overwhelming sense of relief that took over my body was indescribable. The best part was, I opened up to her about having an anxiety disorder and obsessing over my thoughts and she completely understood. The outcome was what I wanted, but I realized that if I talked to her about it earlier in the week, I wouldn't have been in that negative headspace the rest of the time.
I tell this story because even though this is one incident, this is the same cycle I get into with any situation or event that triggers my anxiety. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized not everyone's brain works the same way mine does. To think someone could make a small mistake and get over it within a few minutes just blows my mind. I wish I could have their brain for a day.
Anxiety, no matter how much I think I have overcome it sometimes, still seems to find ways to creep back into my routine. I like to call it an "anxiety monster", I may not be able to make it go away completely, but I can try to tame it. Last week was the perfect example of letting it run wild. I realize now that I need to make a change within myself. I'm not sure what that is yet, but I'll let you know once I figure it out. :)
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