For the last few months, I've been inspired by Taylor Swift (I admit, I've bought a few pieces from Free People because of her). Ever since I started listening to her music way back during my senior year of high school with 'Love Story', I've been a loyal fan of hers. Her music has matured since then, as you can hear it in her two new albums that she just dropped a few months ago. The album, Folklore had songs on there that I could relate to on a personal level, but I never realized how much so until I watched her special on DisneyPlus, 'Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions'.
Last week, Cody and I had a little getaway in the mountains, just the two of us. As he was watching his beloved football team, Ohio State, on television, I decided to watch the Taylor Swift special on my phone. I was more than halfway through when Taylor Swift and one of the producers/writers on her album, Aaron Dessner, discussed track 15, titled 'Peace'. Aaron explained his interpretation of the track. He shared his struggles in the past with depression. He said that he was a hard person to be in a relationship with because of the up and downs he experienced with the disorder. It's something he can't control. It's apart of him. The person he is in a relationship with, he wants to bring them peace. Taylor understands, follows up, and says "you have to reconcile with the fact that you may not be the best option for them, and is that the deal they are still willing to take?". The song starts to play, and tears begin to trickle down my face.
I never thought I was worthy of love. This is partly why I never tried to get close to anyone and had them get to know me because I was afraid to show them who I really was. On the outside, I may have seemed like a happy and bubbly person, but on the inside, I suffered from anxiety, depression, low self-worth, lack of confidence, shame, and failure. It wasn't until I met Cody that I felt like I could truly be myself. He broke down those walls that I built up around myself for so long.
Being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness is not easy. You have days where you just get irritated at your partner because they didn't take out the trash when it was full. They think you are mad at them, but in reality, it's because you are overwhelmed with work and school. Thank god for therapy because we have gotten so much closer to one another and are now able to recognize each other's triggers. There are still some days where I fear that my anxiety could be too much for Cody and think, "10 years down the line, will he still want to deal with this and stay with me?". The thought terrifies me, but I know it's irrational. I believe that the love we have for one another will always pull us through the darkness.
I wanted to share the lyrics and song below, (I bold the lyrics where I felt were the most relatable to myself)
'Peace' Lyrics
Our coming-of-age has come and gone Suddenly the summer, it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darling 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace? Your integrity makes me seem small You paint dreamscapes on the wall I talk shit with my friends It's like I'm wasting your honor And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough? 'Cause there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace? Would it be enough if I could never give you peace? Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?
I'd love to hear your interpretation of the track and how it relates to your own life.
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